Middle Earth Football: How the Line of Durin Returned to the Top
by Fili son of Dis
Summary: Football has been a part of Middle-Earth since Eru invented the game in the 1840s. The Third Age of football has begun, and a once great football family, the Durins, have been reduced to a small time club by the cunning of business tycoon Smaug. It is up to Thorin II to regain respect, honour, and his family's beloved club, Erebor FC, from the dragon of a man.
1. Prologue: Intro to Football in Arda

_Note that all races are being considered 'humans', and thus the timeline has sort of been compressed into a modern one. It's basically Middle-Earth, but with real Earth dates if you catch my meaning._

Football. No, not the mockery of rugby that they call football out West in Aman, this is the tale of real football, the beautiful game. It started in what they call the 'First Age' of football. Football had been knocking about as an amateur game ever since Eru Illuvatar, more well known as "the father of football", played the first documented, organized game some hundred and fifty years ago in the 1840s. By 1887, now long retired from his playing days, Eru decided that there was money to be made from football, and started the first professional league, the Professional Football Association (PFA). Initial stars such as Manwe, Aule, and Ulmo dominated for Eru's side, Valar FC, beating out the opposition to win a string of 6 straight league titles.

At this time Eru grew tired with age, and decided to pass on the ownership of the club and league to Manwe, his most beloved player. Melkor, the brother of Manwe, was jealous of the favour that Eru was showing his brother, and after being reprehended for his 'lack of character' by Eru, he set out to make his own, rival league. The Senior Football League (SFL) was formed, and Melkor's slick promises of higher wages, as well as lies and deceit about Eru and Manwe rigging the PFA to have Valar FC always win lured over many quality players, including Annatar and Gothmog. Melkor's team, the Utumno FC, nicknamed the Iron Devils, dominated the SFL, and deemed themselves worthy to challenge Valar FC for the Two Trees Trophy, a trophy awarded to the winner of the PFA at the end of each season. Wishing to dismiss the league once and for all, and to show Melkor that his attempts to usurp the PFA were folly, Manwe agreed to the match. It was an intense and fierce match, and it drew the attention of the world. Melkor's inspired performance in goal kept Valar at bay for the first ninety minutes, a performance which included an excellent diving save against his brother Manwe. In the extra time, Valar's new striker, Tulkas, stripped Gothmog of the ball, roared in alone, and smashed an absolute cracker past Melkor, ripping into the twine, and sending everybody into a frenzy.

Defeated and ashamed, Melkor suspended the operations of his league and team, staying in Utumno, secluded from the outside world. Meanwhile, the intense and glorious match helped game of football grow. It spread far into the east, and Valar FC winger Orome started the Cuivienen Championship League, the second professional football league. A few years later, another league, the Khazad League One, started up thanks to funding from Aule, the Valar FC centerback. More leagues popped up as the popularity of the sport intensified, and players from Cuivienen and other regions of Middle-earth began to become more skilled players. Eventually some of the greatest stars like Ingwe, Finwe, and Elwe were transferred to teams in the Professional Football Association, becoming stars there while older talents like Aule, Manwe, and Ulmo were phased out. Soon, Valar FC lost it's grip on the football world, and Noldor United became the premier football talent.

Now in the year 1905, most of Valar FC's original stars were aging and moving to retirement. The oldest of them, Melkor, was 38, and hadn't played professional football since his devastating defeat 10 years earlier, playing only in a secret, underground league in Utumno. In a last ditch effort, Melkor put together a squad, and challenged for the Two Trees Trophy. He was finally successful, with new signing, the deadly midfielder, Ungoliant being the key to defeating his old rivals Valar FC in another intense match. On the victory tour, the Two Trees Trophy mysteriously disappeared, and was never recovered. It was temporarily replaced by the Silmaril Cup, one donated by Noldor United's star striker, Feanor. Defeated and disappointed, Manwe announced his retirement from football, and Valar FC crumbled around the retirement. They were still competitive, but it was Noldor United that became the direct challenge to the Iron Devils to claim the Silmaril Cup. In 1906, the Iron Devils comfortably beat the inexperienced PFA champions Noldor United in the Silmaril Cup Tournament Final, 3-0. It was Melkor's last effort in goal before he announced his retirement. From that point on, his work became behind the scenes as manager, focusing on every aspect of Utumno FC, off and on the pitch. He grew an amazing youth academy, modelled off of the past strategies of his mentor Eru, yet mostly a twisted mockery of his unparalleled work. Utumno's youth squad were called the Orcs, and they played a fierce, relentless style of football, fouling and challenging with limitless aggression. Their skill was minimal, but their ability to work together as a team and disrupt the other team's play was sensational, and with direction from Melkor, a new crop of stars was prepared for the Iron Devils.

Noldor United also grew. Stars like Feanor, Fingolfin, and Finrod were still in their primes, but a new crop of players such as Maedhros, Fingon, and Maglor became prevalent players in the youth leagues. Despite the star power, by 1911, nobody had reclaimed the Silmaril Cup from Utumno. Feanor suffered an injury on a vicious tackle from one of Utumno's vicious back four, known as the "Balrogs" in those days. The injury forced an early retirement at the age of 31, and hope was seemingly lost for Noldor United. But newer clubs such as Gondolin City, Doriath Forest, and Nargothrond FC became contenders as well. In 1914, the spell was finally broken, and, led by the attacking combo of Beren and Luthien, the Silmaril Cup was reclaimed from Utumno. Utumno still had an incredible team however, and constantly challenged for the Cup. Much to the ire of Feanor's seven sons, they couldn't claim the Silmaril Cup from their former allies, and now rivals, Doriath Forest. Utumno nearly claimed the trophy in 1916, but former Valar FC players, led by Manwe, found that Melkor had been using illegal narcotics to enhance the performance of his players, and that he had also been paying his players illegally. These legal issues landed Melkor a life sentence in prison, and the Senior Football League and Utumno FC were finally disbanded for good in a legal battle referred to as the War of Wrath.

Thus ended the 'First Age' of football in Middle-Earth. The 'Second Age' began in 1917 and lasted until 1970, a much longer era. The landscape of football changed over time, with new leagues emerging, and leagues with relegation and promotion becoming prevalent. The Silmaril Trophy, along with a replica of the Two Trees Trophy, were retired to the Association Football Hall of Fame in Aman, and a new tournament was founded to decide the premier football team in the world. It was simply the Champions League Tournament, and the top teams from the top leagues competed every year to receive decorative and spectacular championship rings. The most dominant team of the era was AFC Numenor, but other clubs located in Lindon, Imladris, Ered Luin, and Khazad-dum emerged as well. Star players like Celebrimor, Galadriel, Elrond, Gil-Galad, Tar-Minastir, Tar-Aldarion, and Cirdan became legends in the football world. The old clubs, Gondolin City, Noldor United, Nargothrond FC, Doriath Forest, and others whittled away in obscurity and lower leagues as the cities became less populated with the eastern migration, and they were unable to fund top tier football due to a lack of attendance.

This era, while perhaps less controversial than the 'First Age', was not without discord. Annatar, now known as Sauron, a former player for Utumno, and just as vile and evil as his mentor, Melkor, began to reassemble the 'Orcs'. Unable to create a club in Utumno, he started one in the south, in Mordor. Despite bringing in top talent (in allegedly illegal ways, much like Melkor before him), Mordor was unable to win the Champions League, being defeated by a Numenor team led by Tar-Minastir in 1947. Realizing he was unable to win on the pitch, Sauron took a different and longer approach. In 1962, Sauron feigned repentance, and began to infiltrate AFC Numenor. Eventually he became assistant manager to Ar-Pharazon. The team had been struggling since their last Champions League victory in 1954, and Sauron convinced the inexperienced Ar-Pharazon that illegal measures were the only way to reclaim their former glory (and riches). Still bitter at AFC Numenor for defeating his Mordor team 20 years earlier, he betrayed Ar-Pharazon and revealed his illegal activity anonymously, and then disappeared before Ar-Pharazon could pin any of the blame on him. It was a masterful plan, and it worked, despite the fact that everybody suspected he was behind it all. AFC Numenor was forced to suspend operations, the team was handed over to it's rightful owner, football tycoon Manwe, and he used the money to start new clubs.

Mordor FC resumed operations in 1967, and the extremely rich Sauron invested all his money into the club, making them the top team in the world. By 1970, an economic crash caused many of the other top clubs to fold and lose top talent. In a last ditch effort to defeat Mordor FC, the biggest stars in football, Elendil, Isildur, Elrond, Oropher, Gil-galad and others formed a club simply dubbed Alliance. They came toe to toe with Sauron's hated club in the 1970 Champions League Tournament Final, and they demolished the team in the first half, going up 3-0. Sauron then was forced to play his final, and illegal card, which led to his demise. In the strangest event in football history, Sauron himself, now 67 years old, subbed himself onto the pitch. Without the knowledge of anybody else, he used a secret weapon, a powerful narcotic that rejuvenated him, and even enhanced his physical prowess. However, since he was much too old to play this way without arousing suspicion, he disguised himself. He called himself Ash Nazg, a player who was apparently a new recruit from the far east, a player nobody had heard of before. While in this disguise, the former striker was even more potent than when he was at his physical peak in the 'First Age' of football. He scored a hat-trick, bringing Mordor to a tie headed into extra time, forcing some of the older players like Gil-Galad and Elendil to take to the bench, weary from the length of the match. Unfortunately for him, Isildur, Elendil's son, tackled him hard in the second half of extra time. The tackle severely mangled the disguise, and the referees recognized something was amiss. Immediately after the incident, the newly discovered Sauron was tested for drugs. He was caught with an extremely high concentration of a drug he dubbed 'ashnazg' in his system. His empire fell apart, and he was sentenced to a life-time in prison when he was found to have contrived murders, trafficked drugs, and of course used the substance in a professional football match, among other heinous deeds. Thus ended the 'Second Age' of football.

The 'Third Age' was one of relative peace. Manwe's successor, Eonwe, a former star of Valar FC, used the money from the AFC Numenor liquidation to start new clubs in Gondor and Arnor. Many new and smaller clubs and leagues evolved over time, and the game of football continued to grow. As of today, in 2017, the breakdown of the most notable leagues in Middle-Earth is as follows:

 _ **Gondorian Premier League (34 games)**_

Teams (18): Minas Tirith FC, Osgiliath Athletic, AFC Arnach, Harlond Wanderers, Emyn Arnen Rangers, Pelargir Town, Umladen United, AFC Glaniath, Linhir FC, Dol Amroth Rovers, Edhellond FC, AFC Tadrent, Ost Lontir Spurs, AFC Calembel, Dinadab FC, Lothgobel FC, AFC Bar Elir, Anfalas Blues

 _ **Rohirric Premier League (33 games)**_

Teams (12): Edoras Spurs, Hornburg United, Aldburg FC, AFC Underharrow, Upbourn Rangers, Grimsdale FC, Feldburg FC, AFC Oserly, Parth Galen Rovers, Snowbourn FC, Gapholt Town, Woodhurst City

 _ **Eriador Division One (36 games)**_

Teams (10): Port Mithlond, Harlond FC, Forlond Rovers, Old Forest FC, AFC Trollshaws, Ered Luin FC, Bree Stallions, Staddle FC, Combe Athletic, Imladris FC

 _ **Rhovanion Championship (36 games)**_

Teams (10): Goblin-Town FC, Dol-Guldur United, Iron Hills FC, Greenwood Forest, Lothlorien City, Dale FC, Erebor Wyrms, Esgaroth Sailors, Carrock Rovers, Mirkwood Woodmen


	2. Chapter 1: An Unexpected Offer

It was a quiet and tranquil spring morning. The birds were signing softly, and a cool breeze brushed through the leaves. It was altogether relaxing, a setting that one Bilbo Baggins of Bag End quite enjoyed. There he sat, on his front porch, basking in the peace of Hobbiton. His coffee was steaming, and the vapours were caught up in the breeze, and curling into the air in lovely shapes, and drifting off over the hill. He closed his eyes, breathing in the sweet smells of spring. When he opened them again, a strange old man was suddenly walking up the lane. He wore a grey suit and a blue tie over a white dress shirt. His hair was white, his eyebrows bushy, and his shoes black.

"Good morning," called out Bilbo cheerfully. His mood was not yet disturbed by this intrusion.

"What do you mean?" said the old man as he wandered closer to Bilbo's porch. "Do you wish me a good morning, or mean that it is a good morning whether I want it or not, or that you feel good this morning, or that it is a morning to be good on?"

Bilbo found himself quite perplexed by this odd response, but still replied, "All of them at once!", trying not to have his mood spoiled. "It's a very fine morning for a cup of hot drink on the porch. I can get you something if you'd like. I've all the day ahead of me."

"Very tempting," came the reply, "However, I've not the time to enjoy a hot beverage. I am looking for somebody to play for a major football club, and it is very difficult to find the right man for the job."

"I should think so, in these parts. We do enjoy a game of football, but our top league is only semi-professional. People in these parts would sooner enjoy a game of golf. Much less running about, and less chance of injury. Nasty and disturbing things those are."

The old man just stood there, peering at him intently, and Bilbo began to feel that his perfect morning was quite ruined. He took out his phone, and started to look through his e-mails, pretending to ignore the old man. After he continued to stare, Bilbo finally snapped.

"Good morning!" he said again, with a much annoyance in his voice. "We don't want any involvement in major league football here. You might try somewhere else."

"Well, you do seem to use good morning for a lot of things," said the old man. "Now you use it to try to get rid of me."

"I'm sorry to seem rude, good sir. It's just that, I don't even really know who you are, and you've shown up unwelcomed to my front porch, and won't leave me alone," replied an exasperated Bilbo.

"Well, I do know your name, Mr. Bilbo Baggins," he said. "And you know mine, though you do not remember I belong to it. I am Gandalf!"

A sudden realization passed over Bilbo, and he recognized the old friend of his relations.

"Dear me! Not the Gandalf who helped first bring football to the Shire! Not the fellow who told such excellent tales of the older ages of football, and told stories of Feanor, Turin, and the like. Not the Gandalf who's brought championships to countless desperate football clubs! I had no idea you were still in business."

"And where else should I be?" Gandalf replied, with a hint of disappointment. "Well, it is decided. This will be very amusing for me, and possibly quite profitable for you."  
"What? No, no, no," replied Bilbo. "I already made it clear. NO FOOTBALL HERE. Why don't you come for tea though. How about tomorrow? Yes, tomorrow. It's settled." Bilbo stumbled quickly back inside, flustered at Gandalf's rude persistence and ignorance of his quite explicit answer. Gandalf merely chuckled, and walked back down the lane. As he did, he took out his phone.

Gandalf (7:22) - Mr. Baggins has agreed to be your #10 this season. He lives in the Shire, in Hobbiton, on the Hill. I've left my mark on his door. It should be easy enough to find. Come tomorrow, and bring the contract.

Thorin (7:43) - Very well Gandalf. I trust your judgement in this matter, but know that we have limited resources, and this is our only chance.

Gandalf (7:44) - You won't be disappointed.

Bilbo had just sat down for dinner when his doorbell rang loudly, startling him immensely.

" _Who could that be_?" he wondered as he puttered down the hall to answer the door. " _Ah yes! Must be Gandalf!"_ To his surprise, another stranger stood in the doorway, one who was not Gandalf. Instead, it was a rather imposing figure. He stood well over 6 feet. His head was bald, he bore a plethora of tatoos, and wore a worn out leather jacket, with a green shirt underneath.

"Dwalin, at your service" he said, giving a brief bow as he let himself inside. Bilbo was too stunned to protest, and simply said, "Bilbo Baggins at yours."

Dwalin hung up his jacket and wandered into the kitchen. Bilbo offered him a chair, and some of the cakes he had planned on eating himself that night. They had hardly reached their third cake when the doorbell rang again.

" _Must be Gandalf this time_ ," thought Bilbo. When he opened the door, another stranger stood on the porch. This man was shorter than the last, but bore a resemblance to the former. He looked slightly older, but still seemed physically fit. His attire was much more formal, consisting of a suit with a strikingly beautiful scarlet tie.

"I see they have already begun to arrive," said the man, seeing Dwalin's leather jacket on the pegs. "Balin at your service!"

"Thank you!" said Bilbo, perhaps even more flustered and befuddled than before. Where was Gandalf, and why were these strangers all popping in for tea? Soon Balin was seated with Dwalin, and the two were talking and laughing. Bilbo deduced that the two were brothers, and he was not wrong. After serving his guests some seed-cakes and beer, he was startled by another ring. " _If it isn't Gandalf this time, I'll have to kick these folk out,"_ thought Bilbo has he puffed back down the entrance. Sure enough, Gandalf was nowhere to be seen. Instead, two young men stood in the entrance of his home. Both looked hardly out of their teen years. One was blond with a well trimmed beard, and the other had brown hair and only a little stubble showing on his face. Both of them wore the same blue athletic jacket, but Bilbo didn't recognize the team logo on the front. He hadn't followed sports since he stopped playing football himself after his parents died.

"Fili…." said the blond.

"And Kili," said the dark haired fellow.

"At your service," they said in unison, bowing together as well.

"At your's and your families," Bilbo said, remembering the proper response. The two dwarves bustled in, as Bilbo hadn't the heart to tell them to leave. They hung up their jackets, and noticed the leather jacket and suit jacket hanging there.

"Ah, Dwalin and Balin are here I see. Let us join the throng!" said Kili cheerfully. Bilbo didn't like the sound of throng. Soon enough, the four were chatting about the sports world, remarking on the latest transfers and newest analysis of various leagues across Middle-Earth. Bilbo was just about to have a drink in the corner when there was a loud, rude knock on the door. That was it. Bilbo was through with this nonsense. He burst open the door quick as lightning, and through the sudden opening fell a stout man with rotund cheeks, who had evidently been leaning against the door. His seven companions laughed, and Bilbo noticed two more standing in the background. One was a tall, dark, brooding figure, who's face Bilbo thought he knew. The other was, of course, Gandalf, who was chuckling at the misfortune of the man on Bilbo's mat.

"It's not like you Bilbo, to keep friends waiting on the mat, and then open the door like a pop-gun! Allow me to introduce to you the remainder of the first team. Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Ori, Nori, Dori, Oin, Gloin, and of course, the team's owner and captain, Thorin."  
Each of the men bowed slightly when their name was mentioned, but Thorin gave no such courtesy. Now Bilbo realized who they were. The members of the football club that Gandalf wanted Bilbo to sign with. The various players filed in, ranging in age, build and attire. Some, like Oin, who wore a nice brown suit jacket, or Gloin, who was in a white dress shirt, were in more formal attire, while others, like Bifur and Bofur, who wore yellow shirts, and Bombur who was dressed in a pale green hoodie, were not as concerned with impressing their host.

Of course, in order to get them to come, Gandalf had told them there would be food. After all, he had been invited for tea. Only, he had not told poor Bilbo, and now the little man was scrambling to get everybody's orders as they all sat down and talked amongst themselves, catching up, as they hadn't seen much of each other over the off-season. Once supper was served, Gandalf got them down to business.

Thorin addressed all of them, standing up at the head of the table, and clearing his throat.

"Many thanks to the esteemed Mr. Bilbo Baggins for his generous hospitality," he began, nodding towards Bilbo, who was pleased to finally get some recognition. "As you all know, we are here to discuss the upcoming season in the Eriador Division One. Last season we barely claimed a spot in the Champions League, and this season, we have a chance to reclaim a title that we held in the days of my father, and his father before him."

Likely in an effort to inform Bilbo, and perhaps the younger players as well (namely Fili and Kili), Thorin began to explain the history of their situation. Once, Erebor FC was a proud and esteemed football club, owned and operated by Thror. The star player was his son, Thrain, and they were among the best football clubs in the world. Thorin was just a young lad, playing the Erebor FC academy, when suddenly his family lost everything. A sly worm of a man, Smaug, had deviously and cunningly framed Thror for crimes he did not commit, and filed a lawsuit against him. Thorin did not elaborate on the exact nature of what allegedly happened, but mentioned a precious gem known as the Arkenstone. The court decided in favour of Smaug, and Thror lost everything, including his freedom. Smaug used his new found wealth to buy the Erebor club, and named them the Erebor Wyrms. Thror's family was forced to move away from their life of rich leisure, going west to Dunland, then to Ered Luin. But Thrain was a hard working man, and still had his own money from his playing days, and soon, he started a new club in the Eriador Division One, known as Ered Luin FC. His goal was to get back to the Champions League, and when Ered Luin FC had made him enough money, to buy back his father's club, and the Lonely Mountain Stadium, from Smaug. Thrain had disappeared one strange year, and never returned, and now Thorin was left with a floundering new club to guide. Luckily, old Erebor FC players who had been replaced by Smaug's favourites came back to Ered Luin FC on bargain deals, and with them their sons and other relatives, who rejuvenated the Ered Luin squad. Old youth academy teammates of Thorin's like Dwalin, Oin, and Gloin came to help Thorin reclaim his birthright.

"And this is where we stand now. We have a chance to win the Champions League this season. That victory, and the prize money, ticket revenues, and other revenues related to it would ensure we make enough of a profit this season to settle with Smaug, and repossess our former belongings. Unfortunately, Floi, our central attacking midfielder from last season, has been forced to sit out this season with a severe knee injury. At the advice of our new assistant manager, Gandalf, we are prepared to offer Mr. Baggins a 1 year contract, worth £15,000 per week, and the #10 jersey for this 2017-18 season."

With this, Balin pulled out a contract and a decorative pen from his pocket, and presented it to Bilbo. Everybody looked eagerly at Bilbo. For a second, Bilbo was about to simply sign then and there. Then he came to his senses, " _You haven't played professional football in 4 seasons,_ " he told himself. " _And you were hardly a good enough CAM to lead a team to a Champions League title. Hah, you couldn't even drag Hobbiton FC to a promotion into Eriador Division One. Now they just joined the Shire Football League One. You're not up for this."_

He then realized he was simply standing there, looking quite puzzled.

"Well," he finally said. "Give me the night to think about it."

There was an audible groan, and Bilbo thought he heard a "I told you so", and a "pay up".

"Very well," said Gandalf. "But don't wake up too late. The season begins in only a few weeks, and the signing window closes in two days. We'll be training at the Green Dragon stadium tomorrow morning at 10:00. Bring the contract signed there, and you can join the team. If you aren't inclined to sign it, please let us know immediately, so we can pursue another option." The old man looked somewhat disappointed, yet behind this, Bilbo thought he saw a gleam in his eye, as if he knew that everything would work in his favour in the end.

"All right," said Bilbo. "You're all welcome to stay the night here, in the guest rooms. It's a large house, with plenty of space for you all." He felt as though he was about to let them all down, and wanted at least to give them a final courtesy, so as to part well with these strangers. The men accepted his gracious offer, and after a few more hours, eventually, all of them, including Bilbo, were fast asleep. As he slept, Bilbo had uncomfortable dreams, all of which involved him failing miserably in some way during a pivotal match. It was longer after the break of day that he awoke.

 _Background_ : Gandalf used to spend a lot of time in the Shire, and he noticed that as a youngster, Bilbo was a world class talent. His playmaking and dribbling ability were off the charts, and his agility and speed as a smaller player, as well as his ability to slip away from opposing markers made him dangerous for all defenders. He had a stinging shot, and was the best Shire born player Gandalf had seen since Bandobras Took. Bilbo enjoyed football as a youth. He was offered contracts by a number of higher profile clubs, but he preferred to stay home and play for his hometown Hobbiton FC. Eventually, the team entered into the second division of the Eriador league, but after two seasons, Bilbo was unable to lead the team into the top division. That same year, his father died, and disheartened, a 23 year old Bilbo stopped playing professional football. When his mother passed away soon after, Bilbo stopped playing even recreationally. Now, at age 27, Bilbo is forgotten in the football world, by all by Gandalf. The Shire doesn't have a good reputation for developing players, and has no top end football clubs in its history. That is why Thorin and Co. are so skeptical of Bilbo, especially since he hasn't played in 4 seasons.


End file.
